Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Davlin's Life Lesson #117

Sometimes it's better to regret the things you've done, then to spend your life wondering "what if" to the things you hadn't.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Davlin's Life Lesson #69. Heh heh 69

If the one you're following is standing still, it's time to find a new leader. After all, that's why I gave up on Christianity.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Davlin's Life Lesson #206

Never go way out in the middle of the woods somewhere with a shirtless hillbilly you just met at a gas station to buy pot.

Davlin's Life Lesson #33

If your friend is smiling at something behind you, duck.

Davlin's Life Lesson #76

Never fall in love with a girl who owns a cat.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

I was gonna go as a french maid but decided on being a shitty friend instead.

My best friend has a large amount of self esteem issues. She will not even come to my Halloween party because other girls will be dressed sexy and cute! Also, she is thirty years old and has never had a real relationship. I think its because she is extremely picky about who she dates. She wants GQ model type men- and she is not cute- at all. How can I tell her she is reaching way out of her league without being terrible?

He Says:
So you've already gotten your costume picked out and decided to go as a judgmental bitch, is that about right? Seriously, that's fucked up. If she doesn't feel comfortable dressing like a whore, why hold that against her? You think she's not cute, so she needs to lower her standards? I'm starting to think she's not the one with the problems. Why is it that just because she has flaws, which EVERYone does, she needs to settle for any chud that comes along? I'm kind of with her. I'd rather die alone that be stuck with someone that I'm not happy with. Get the fuck over yourself and try being supportive. Isn't that what friends are supposed to do?

She Says:
Tough question. Everything sounds better when you say it with roses. My plan would be to hand her a dozen red roses and a mirror. Works everytime. As far as her insecurities, if she is bringing them on herself I do not see why you should get involved. If she has not found a date in thirty years of life because she is going for guys way outside her league- give her subtle hints such as hooking her up with the star trekkers dating service. But when all else fails- that mirror roses thing will almost never backfire on you!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Welcome to the 21st century. We have tolerance and ice cream shaped like dots!

I need help!! I just found out that my ex-husband is gay- the only thing is, he does not know I know and he has not told me or anyone else yet! What am I supposed to do? What do I tell our two kids?? I am so lost! What do you think?

He says:
I don't really know why this is an issue anymore. So your ex is gay, you now both have something in common!

What are you supposed to do? Why do you have to do anything? It's not really any of your business. As long as they are good to your kids, what's the problem? If you're worried about the introduction of homosexuality into your family's life becoming a poison that turns your kids into some meth head prostitutes, grow up. Homosexuals aren't a danger to the home. Us breeders have been fucking up our children for thousands of years.

And when dealing with your children, YOU don't tell them anything. You wait for him to come to you, the two of you talk it out and then tell the kids TOGETHER.

You're gonna be fine and so is your family. Learn to be progressive. Next time I'll break the news to you about segregation being over as well. You've had a big enough day today as it is.

She says:
Hey- this is great news!!! First of all, you do not have to deal with any pesky pride issues anymore. You turned your ex gay! You should not have any pride at all....anymore....ever. You made your ex like penis! That is how bad your vagina is. Never again will you have to deal with that. Good on ya.

Secondly, the situation could not be more perfect. Seriously. I know its shocking to learn this huge thing about the father of your children, however, since he has not directly spoken to you about it- you do not have to speak to him about it. You should use this time to think about how you feel, how it will affect your family and do some research. It is also actually better for your ex husband as well, because you are going to take the news a lot better when he tells you now that you have had time to know how you feel. You have had time to think about your exact reaction. He comes out of the closet, you get to act like an understanding adult (sneaky you..with your sneaky awful vagina) and your kids get two knowledgeable, supporting parents to help them cope with the news.

Ta-Da! Everyone is a winner when your ex-husband likes wiener!